Sunday night we watched a home movie of our family made about five years ago. It was our summer vacation before my youngest started kindergarten. It was neat seeing the kids so small again.

At the end of the tape, we filmed the kid's first day back at school. They were so cute with their lunch boxes and new pencils....

Then it came time to walk out the door and I had the camera on Taylor (my youngest). I guess it finally hit her that she was going to be without me. My older two never shed a tear when they went to school but Taylor was different...

The look on her face was so painful for me to watch again. Her little head was down and her eyes were welling up. Her whole countenance fell. She said very quietly, "I don't want to go". I asked her, "Don't you want to use your new crayons and scissors?" She just kept her head down and shook it "no". 
   
As I watched this tape, my heart broke all over again. I sat there with tears streaming down my face and I couldn't stop crying. I remember that day like it was yesterday. My husband stayed home from work that day and took me out to breakfast. If he hadn't, I would have been a basket case all day, I cried and cried. 

I remember those first two weeks of school, I would go to the store alone and watch all the mothers with small children. They would be so impatient with them and I wanted to tell them, "Stop! You don't have much time left with them!" I longed to have my little buddy with me again. 

After about two weeks, I couldn't do it anymore so I started going to school with her. It took until she finished first grade for the Lord to finally convict my heart to homeschool. 
   
How could I have been so ignorant and rebellious? My husband had wanted me to homeschool for a few years. "I can't do that! I'm not a teacher!" As I watched that tape, I grieved that my little girl never had to go through that painful experience. I was so sure that "the system" knew better. And deep in my heart I had hoped she would adjust so that I could have time to myself. 

Now I see that wicked selfishness and it's so painful to watch what it did to her. I believed the great deceiver. I believed that I wasn't good enough to educate my children. I'm so thankful that God finally got a hold of me and changed me.

I'm so thankful that I've had these last three and a half years to undo what my sin caused. I wish I could shout it from the roof tops to all the mothers who think "I just can't do that!" You can do it;  you must do it! God will show you how, and He will walk you through it, one step at a time. 
   
I praise God that He created circumstances that made homeschooling the only option for us. I praise God that He immediately started me searching for a better way than the system had to offer. I thank Him that He brought me to Wisdom's Way of Learning (the "Lifestyle of Learning" ministry) and Senior High: A Home-Designed Form+U+la in a short time and didn't allow me to flounder for many years.  
   
When we finally started homeschool, my little one asked me, "Do I ever have to go back to school?"  I said, "No, Sweety."  She said, "Even college?"  I told her she could stay home all her life if she wanted. She had the sweetest smile on her face and hugged me so tight...

The process of change is so painful but the fruit is so sweet.

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I got the photo for the

title graphic at Pixabay.